I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
