What did we do last night that was yellow?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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