i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
