I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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