Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
