He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same