I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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