Moan for me like Helen Keller
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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