these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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