his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
