There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
