So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
