You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
