On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
