I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
