Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.