I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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