the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
