did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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