does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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