I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
