he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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