there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
