I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize