he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
