you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
