eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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