Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
