She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm too high and old for this...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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