oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
