so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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