My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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