if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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