Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
