exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
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I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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