My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
