Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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