you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
