There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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