Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
