You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you had me at cake vodka
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
