fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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