sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
