I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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