Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
