U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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