Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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