I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
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I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I need to align my fucking chakras
there is glitter all over my balls
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