we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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