i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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