Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
