What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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