i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
