look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
