if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
