He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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