his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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