I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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